pregnancy and matrescence

For the longest time this pregnancy has been surprisingly challenging for me to share with others. Despite wanting this since forever, despite it being very much planned and despite knowing it’s the right time for us…there’s been an incredible amount of internal resistance and fear of judgement I didn’t even realize I’d been carrying. Journaling and talking about it have helped me work through, unpack and understand it.

*Everyone’s experience fluctuates wildly and these are just personal reflections*

We decided to start trying right after our world trip. I am forever indebted to that time away to be able to make this choice away from the noise, along with other lifestyle choices to start living a more aligned life. The conversations of starting a family had been going on for a while and after sitting with and holding this idea for a long time and much meditation and an ayahuasca journey in Peru - yes really - we had conviction this was the path.

Back to trying. It feels somewhat tmi, but it’s important to be aware of realistic fertility timelines. In middle school we’re taught any sex results in immediate pregnancy so don’t have sex. Which is neither effective at that age nor accurate as you mature as an adult. Half a yearish is an average timeline, especially as I’ve heard so many inspiring and gut wrenching stories about the lengthy trials others go through for a chance of having a baby. I do not take our journey for granted. During the process however, I was wrought with anxiety. Why wasn’t it working? What was wrong with me? My irregular periods and unhealthy habits had wrecked us from the start, hadn’t they? I spiraled and was surprised at how early the anxiety set in. And then pregnancy itself….sheeeesh.

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Over the last couple months I’ve learned a new term: matrescence. Loosely parallel to the concept of adolescence, it signifies the transformation of becoming a mother, encompassing the wide range of emotional, physical, physiological, social changes that one goes through in this process. The transition is filled with gains and losses, contradictions upon contradictions, nothing short of flipping the entire world as you know it upside down. Your body is evolving in unrecognizable ways, you have this one-way ticket asking you to change forever, some days you hardly recognize yourself….yet you’re expected to carry on as usual and be excited at all times?? 

Being among the first in your friend groups in a heavy DINK world (double income no kids) is extremely lonely. I felt really really scared of judgement. Early on, well intentioned but misinformed support was difficult. I thought I’d be excited to share the news but after a few rounds it got…tiring? Especially when people would speak without thinking without realizing how vulnerable people feel at this stage. Ex. “Was this planned?” Well. I’m in my 30s, not 16. You tell me. I realize now also it puts a very sensitive topic in the limelight - having kids, parenthood, this idea that life is linear and you are “settling down” - that brings up many emotions for both sides. Some conversations were extremely awkward.

First trimester was horrible. Emotionally I felt a lot of uncertainty and anxiety, and from week 7 to 12 I had nonstop nausea (morning sickness is a lie it was 24/7), food aversions to all my favorite foods (no cravings), zero energy and felt myself slipping into prenatal depression. Smells ratcheted up 100x and made me want to vomit. The brain fog was constant. I couldn’t eat, exercise, work or do anything except survive. As someone who prides themselves on being “healthy” and “active” - oh hi ego - it felt like my body had betrayed me. The more I begged my body to give me a break and attempted to meditate and do my usual wellness practices, the more my body resisted. It was incredibly humbling. All I could do was hold on.  

With it being my first, I wasn’t sure how long it’d all last. Another month? Two? Until I gave birth? Not knowing when it’d get better or worse was the hardest part. I did my best to live life, but to go from happily taking 8 hour bus rides and eating street food in Nepal to not being able to ride the subway without wanting to vomit devastated me. It’s easy looking back as an observer and be like “those are normal temporary symptoms” but in the moment I was losing who I was entirely. The sacrifice had begun and already I wasn't sure I could do it. I’d regret it all wanting desperately to tap out and then feel bad for regretting it. 

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Sometime around week 12/13 my energy began to improve. It wasn’t a flip the switch like some describe, rather a gradual ramp up, some days so subtle I hardly noticed it was getting better. Somehow we muddled through the rest of winter with a LOT of support and growth from my partner, expectant parents groups, the prenatal yoga / fitness community, therapy, friends, and now here we are, nearing the end of 2nd trimester still taking it slow, coming more into my own day by day.

This journey of shedding and shedding again my previous identity to integrate this new one has been full of challenges. I completely came into this overconfident and largely unaware of the struggles pregnant people go through, partially because it’s not really talked about (!) The internal doubts are never ending coupled with my career shift: Have I given up my old self? Wtf happened to my career? Am I a stay at home mom now? It’s too soon to tell if / when / what I’ll go back to a 9-5 type job, and I’m not opposed to it. I truly don’t know. Just not now. Now is not the right time. 

The duality is intense. I’ll feel utterly lost and confused and at the same time, there are moments I am wholeheartedly alive & aligned. I think to myself even if every single person in the world thinks I’ve gone absolutely bonkers, this internal peace is worth it. This was not peace I’d ever known when successful on paper chasing accomplishments for external validation. 

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It’s an understatement to say my perspective has shifted a ton. Already baby is evolving me for the better. I am leaning into softness and surrender and letting go. Each time I think I’ve let go of enough, the universe goes: just a little bit more. Loosen your grip. We got you. You got this and we got you. You still have to try, but you don’t have to fight. 

My advice for supporting others on this journey? Just be kind. Kinder than you think you have to be, because we are likely downplaying our experience and/or haven’t been able to fully process it ourselves. It’s an incredibly beautiful and precious yes yet vulnerable time and sharing the contradictory joy - pain - stream of consciousness that comes up every day doesn’t always feel appropriate. Often it feels easier to deal with it alone. If they choose to share with you, great, and if not, great too. Treat them - or yourself if you’re the one going through it - with a generous amount of kindness. And then some.

For pregnant people: if you’re not getting the support you need and deserve, look elsewhere. Support and goodness and understanding exists. It just takes time and a lot of patience to find those spaces.

Sending everyone a lot of love this spring morning whatever journey you happen to be on.